How getting in touch with 12-year old ME changed my life!
I know not everyone has a story quite as dramatic as mine, but I’m hoping by sharing some of my story, in this case, the ugly parts, you might be able to relate to at least pieces of it. I use my past to illustrate the importance of acknowledging where our thought patterns come from and I encourage you to start thinking about your own in this way.
Has it ever occurred to you how much of our adult identity was created in middle school? I have now coached hundreds of women and dozens of teens and I have found the pre-teen & teen years to be when many of our mindset patterns were formed.
As many of you know, over the last 10 years I have been going through a personal growth journey. I have worked with my own counselor and coaches and my pre-teen and teen years were often a large focus for me. (You’ll see why soon.) I also have children who have gone through/are going through this stage as well. As I have worked with my clients on the root causes of mindset blocks and habits, I find it to be true for most of us, what we heard/internalized/told ourselves during this time period shapes our inner voice and confidence as adults.
As with many other women, I had emotionally and physically unavailable parents and role models as a pre-teen. My Mom and Dad got divorced when I was nine months old; my Mom immediately remarried an asshole. My Step-Dad was a volatile cocaine addict who was my Mom’s whole world. My Mom loved us, but where he was concerned we knew our place. The two of them spent our childhood years wasted and partying with their group of friends, the rest of the time rearing us kids through terror. My Sisters and I were taught that our worth was dependent on being seen but not heard and keeping the house clean. We did what we were told, nothing more, and nothing less. My older sister was 5 years older than me. She moved in with her soon-to-be husband at 16, so at 11-12 years old I was spending my weekends babysitting 6+ kids over night while all our parents were on a binder somewhere. There were trips to jail to bail people out, and often fist fights being cleaned up after. One night my Step-Dad’s best friend died when they were racing their motorcycles and we spent the night consoling his wife and kids. I once witnessed my Step-Dad strangling my Mom up against the wall, my Grandma pulling a gun on him to make him let go. I was frequently woken in the middle of the night hearing them fighting, things being broken, scared for my Mom’s life. At 14 years old I was pulled over by a police officer driving my drunken Grandmother home, because I was sober. (never mind I didn’t know how to drive) I have so many stories like these, it’s really no wonder I was anorexic and battling severe anxiety by 16, but it was my “normal”. It took me another 20 years to even realize I had lived my whole life with depression, because I thought everyone felt that way.
I remember as a young woman this constant feeling of uncertainty about who I was and what I was supposed to be doing. Like most kids, I was born with the desire to succeed. I wanted to help people and have purpose, and badly needed someone to just tell me I was doing okay. It was that stage at the onset of puberty; twelve, thirteen, fourteen years old. You know, when we start to be thrust into awkward social situations, before we’ve learned anything pertinent to surviving what’s about to come. I think at this age we all go through at least a few years being sure we’re doing everything wrong. It actually didn’t occur to me how crazy that really is, until I had my own 6th grade daughter. I watched her pick friends who ‘needed her’ instead of friends that were similarly minded and healthy. Like me, she wanted to help people, but hadn’t learned about seeking out healthy relationships. As I coached her through that extremely challenging year I also became more self-aware. I started thinking about my childhood friendships, and how unhealthy most of them were. I started to understand why I had gone through the struggles I had endured as a young adult. This was the reason it was so healing for me when I was able to finally cut ties with the friends that still saw me as, and treated me like a beaten down kid. It is so important to recognize when relationships aren’t serving your best interests, and I was very lucky in my early 30s to expand myself in this way. NO, It didn’t happen until I was 30, but we learn at our own time! 😉
All the insecurity I carried in my younger years unfortunately didn’t leave me as I grew up. In fact it evolved into a thousand new issues (chances at growth ;). My friendships and relationships were framed by how I had internalized my life situation and lack of support as a kid. As I got older I allowed people to treat me poorly because I didn’t value myself, and I often made things worse because I still didn’t know how to communicate in a healthy way. I didn’t know about boundries and self-worth. For one thing I was conditioned into being a victim. I hadn’t yet learned how to change that victim mindset into a growth mindset. In my younger years I also ‘learned to be’ uber-controlling because I so badly craved normalcy. (I’ve now learned this is common of adult children of alcoholics.) Trust me, being a control freak affects your life in almost every way, none of which are good. Not even my severe anorexia at 16 was enough to show me what was really going on internally. It took me another almost 20 years to understand why I wasn’t ever happy with myself. I had been searching my whole life for external validation. I was waiting for someone to tell me that I was okay even after I had accomplished EVERYTHING anyone would consider success. I was searching for that one accomplishment that would make me ENOUGH. Then I learned that I was the only person I needed to convince.
Let me repeat that, “I WAS THE ONLY ONE I NEEDED TO CONVINCE I WAS ENOUGH.”
That changed everything!
I started to change my mind about myself, a little at a time. Every time a negative thought crept in, I tried to acknowledge it and re-frame it in opposite terms. I started having a VERY DIFFERENT CONVERSATION with myself. When I caught myself replaying the negative verbiage I’d used before, I stopped myself and instead started saying things to the negative committee in my head like “shut up, I’m not stupid, I put myself through 8 years of college, as a Chemistry major,” and “Stop thinking you’re fat, Jarae, you’ve lost 40 lbs and look amazing”. Before long I was beginning to treat myself like I’d treat my friends, how I now encourage my clients to treat themselves, with kinder gloves.
When we’re 12 we can’t possibly have the foresight to set up our future mindset in a healthy way. Wouldn’t that be nice? I like to tell myself my kids are lucky to have a coach Mom to help them maneuver through adolescence, but in reality they will inevitably have a whole slew of their own issues to work on as adults, just like we all do, and I’m sure I’ll be partially to blame. I will just do for them what I do for my clients, teach them everything I’ve learned about self-expansion and support them endlessly.
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Jarae Pearson 